The only way to STOP being ignored and start being SEEN!
teach others how to treat you
Have you ever wondered why some people get more respect than others?
Why some people are always pushed around or made fun of, while others seem to have an innate ability to demand admiration, even if they’re really not at all that special?
It’s neither your talent, your intelligence or your income, that is earning you the world’s respect.
Of course, all of these factors can contribute, but they only matter because they shape the way YOU perceive yourself.
It’s not that being wealthy brings you respect, but if wealth is what YOU think you need in order to gain respect, you will only act as if you deserve respect once you achieve your standard of wealth.
Same goes with titles, beauty, contacts, athletic abilities or your choice of vocation. — The world doesn’t really know all that much about you, and to be honest, it doesn’t really care.
Everyone is too caught up in their own issues to dig deep and figure out your self worth and what you’re about — They don’t know, or care, unless you tell them to.
That’s why people take the easy route and take notice ONLY of what you’re showing them.
The way you treat yourself and how you show up gives everyone around you an example of how they should treat you and what they can expect of you!
But how do you treat yourself differently, if you feel like you’re faking it?
I want to help you figure this out, right now.
People learn how to treat you by the example you set for them
We teach people constantly about how they should behave with us, by:
showing them how we see ourselves, through our words, attitudes and actions
treating them, the way we want to be treated
accepting what we think we deserve
Your entire life is the result of the standards you have for yourself. Everything that’s in your life right now is something you subconsciously think you deserve.
“Our unconscious will allows us to have only what we believe we deserve. If we have a small view of ourselves, then what we deserve is poverty. And our unconscious will see to it that we have that actuality.” — Dr. David Hawkins
Many people think they’re not good enough in a way or another, so they don’t have too high expectations of how others would relate to them.
Your relationships are a mirror of your own relationship with yourself.
People with shallow relationships, have a shallow sense of self.
What you believe about yourself will become what others believe as well.
So how do you start becoming that deliciously vivacious and magnetic person, that everyone wants to be around and admires?
First, let’s look at where you are now, so you know what you need to fix.
Where are you now?
Take a long look at how you spend your days.
Notice what you spend the most time on.
Notice how you talk about yourself to others.
Notice what you say to yourself when you succeed.. and when you fail.
What is the first thing you do in the morning? It is something to prime you for the day and give you a sense of self worth, of excitement, of inspiration?
Or do you automatically reach out for your phone and start scrolling and comparing?
How much time do you spend thinking about the things that truly matter to you and coming up with solutions to your problems?
Have you blocked out any time, at all, last week, just so you can catch up on your own life?
Do you spend time with people that appreciate you, or that underestimate you?
Take a look at your own life in the past 2 weeks and notice how you spent them.
What do they say?
Your behaviour is a mirror to your priorities.
Be honest, are you a priority to yourself?
1st step: Decide
All action starts off with an intent.
Do you want to be loved, admired, respected, adores? Yes?
Good! Then decide to love, admire, respect and adore yourself, starting right now.
You see, your first step is accepting that you NEED to be your own priority.
The tricky part about this, is that you can’t talk yourself into prioritising yourself.
You must act yourself into being your own priority.
You must act yourself into believing you are deserving of the things you desire.
This is what self love is really about.
About DOING the things YOU need, in order for YOURSELF to fall in love with YOURSELF.
It’s not just sitting there and trying to convince yourself out of critical self talk. No.
It’s about building a trusting relationship with the most important person in your entire life, you.
It’s working at it, earning it, actually deserving it — not pretending.
2nd step: create trust
Think of it this way: You are building a RELATIONSHIP.
So be the type of person to yourself, that you’d actually love hanging out with.
We hang out with people that we TRUST. This is the very essence of any relationship.
But how do you build that trust?
It’s easy: make sure you only make promises you can keep. Then keep them.
That means that you won’t get over excited and set out an impossible goal, without taking into account what it would take for you to pursue it!
It means knowing what you want and taking baby steps, that you can actually achieve and celebrate each of them, every single day!
That’s how you build up trust, by actually doing things towards your desires and knowing you can count on yourself to show up and do the things you promised yourself you would do.
It does take responsibility and effort to create a beautiful relationship with anyone, so expect it to get hard sometimes and commit to giving all that it takes to make this relationship truly fantastic.
Sometimes you’ll fail and criticise yourself badly.
The guilt will talk you into thinking you deserve it, but here’s the secret: As long as you ALLOW yourself to fail and expect it to happen every now and then, you can let go of your guilt and tell yourself that it’s part of the process.
“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. “
— J. K. Rowling
Tomorrow you start again and no matter how much you think you deserve a hard time — it really won’t help with getting yourself back on your feet.
You need your inner voice to be aligned with your desires. So start telling yourself you may have failed — but you still deserve to be proud of yourself for trying!
Guilt is useless.
Learn from your mistake, then get excited to apply your valuable new knowledge!
3rd step: act every day
What are the most valuable things in any relationship?
This is what I came up with:
Self love isn’t a rational decision, but an emotional process.
It isn’t a one time only deal, it’s a never ending journey of compassion, curiosity and joy.
We think of love as being this abstract thing we possess, but really, love is an action. — It’s much more a verb, than a noun.
So self love means practicing self loving attitudes, habits and rituals, all the time.
So, in order to love ourselves, we must show ourselves love, through the actions we take on a daily basis.
We must prove to ourselves that we are our own priority — especially when facing difficult tasks or social pressure. We must act from that intense feeling of inner care.
You must remember that, at the end of the day, the person you have to live with, is you.
So take the list above and figure out 1 thing for each of them, that you will commit to for creating a better, more loving inner dialogue.
Write it down and make it small, do-able.
TIME: Every morning, I’ll wake up 30’ earlier so I can give myself the time to truly enjoy my coffee, take a longer shower and read that book I wanted to read since forever.
ATTENTION: At least twice every week, I’ll write down all my worrying thoughts in my journal and understand where they’re coming from, so I can let them go.
GIFTS: Every Sunday night, I’ll treat myself to a bubble bath and a face mask with candles and my favorite music.
4th Step: Take Responsibility
At this point, you’ve already decided it’s important to start focusing on yourself and that you do deserve your own time and affection. You have started doing little things to build up on your trust and you have laid out a plan you can act on every day, to help you reconnect to who you are deep down.
People around you are probably already noticing you’re more independent and more confident, without really understanding what has changed.
You’re no longer as needy of other people’s praise, because you have trained yourself into giving it to yourself when the time’s right.
By now, you’re probably ready to understand that most of what’s going on in your life right now is a byproduct of what you’ve been thinking (then doing) in the past.
Your past behaviours added up and got you to where you are today.
Today is a reflection of a bunch of yesterday’s decisions, but you can start making different decisions for tomorrow!
Everything from your health to your sanity is just a shadow of your past decisions, actions and mindsets in those particular fields.
It may hurt to realise most of the things that bother you, in your life, you have accepted as normal and thus, have allowed to continue. Without accepting the truth of your own role in making your reality, you can never shift it to your liking.
So take responsibility of your own life.
Take some time to truly look into all the stories you’ve been telling yourself, where you’ve allowed yourself to be the victim.
Being victimised isn’t always your choice, but holding on to a victim story is.
Deciding to no longer be a victim of circumstances is hard. And it’s painful. I get it.
I’ve been there and it took me a few years to truly grasp that my story was just that — a story. And that I could, just by deciding, let it go and give myself a fresh new start.
Look. Nobody, not even your parents, are here to make to happy. It’s nobody else’s job, except yours. It’s not your boyfriends either. Nor is it the reason you made kids.
And the reality is that, even if they want to make you happy, it may not always work.
Because you may not have showed them how you need to be loved and what makes you happy OR you may not allow yourself to be happy, if you think you’re not deserving of it.
So it is up to you to make yourself happy, that’s why self love plays such an important role.
If you fall in the trap of expecting anyone else to fulfil this job, you’ll lose all your power and place it in somebody else’s hands, who never asked for that responsibility.
Trust me, you do not want to burden the people you care the most about.
A relationship is a celebration of life and love, it is NOT a transaction.
If you place your happiness on someone else’s shoulders, they’ll back away, scared of the pressure of hurting you.
Show them you are beaming from the inside out and they’ll run to you so they can soak up some of your light.
expand with a new experience
Think of things that bring you mentally back to the body, like exercise, hiking, walking or yoga; Self massages are also a wonderful way to feel your way back into your own body and spend some time showing it affection.
Expose yourself to new social environments that will enrich your life and create a clean slate where you can instil a new sense of identity, like trying a type of art class, painting or photography; Dancing, skydiving, book-clubs etc.
Get curious. Expose yourself to more ideas, that affirm and describe how to ultimately create a better relationship with yourself. Find books, mentors, podcasts, blogs; Look for people that already have that magnetic pull you’re looking for and ask them about how they relate, think and act, in order to feel and behave that way.
Work on the very areas that hurt your self image the most. Take baby steps to change something that you don’t like. If you don’t have the body or vitality you wish you had, start doing one tiny step every day to figure things out. Search people who can teach you — nobody expects you to already know these things, except yourself! Make it a goal to learn about it first. As you understand more, you’ll feel empowered. Remember, we avoid the things we don’t understand and we naturally enjoy the things we do.
Invest in yourself. Quite literally. Put in time, money and effort, just for your growth. This act, in itself, is a profound message to yourself and others that you are serious about taking care of yourself. It whispers: I am important, I deserve this
More of what I do
Precise things I do to cultivate my self worth and self love:
I aim to truly dig deep and UNDERSTAND myself, not judge or create excuses.
I stopped wanting to be INTERESTING and started being INTERESTED in the things that naturally captivated me. In turn, I became far more bubbly, multidimensional and just a more fascinating person to be around.
I decided to make my morning about priming myself for the day, even if that meant waking up earlier. I don’t light up my screens before making sure I’ve had a hot shower, a coconut oil full body massage, an invigorating meditation. If I’m feeling down, I’ll add at least half an hour of reading, to change my thought pattern.
I block out time alone to think whenever I feel I’ve lost focused or gained some important insight.
I use powerful words in my self talk that stir up positive emotional reactions. I describe the things that I experience with rich, colorful and expansive words, so I can store them in my memory with great detail and intensity.
If things go wrong, I decide to dim down their importance by using appropriate words, like inconvenience instead of a catastrophe. I catch myself using harming metaphors like “this thing is killing me” and I take a step back and make fun of myself. After a little laugh at my own drama queen attitude, I react from a very different place.
I made it a point to hear myself talking about the things that matter to me. So whenever I have a deep desire, a burning dream or some sort of curiosity or pain, I insist on talking to the people around me about it, so I can hear myself be serious.
I journal daily. I journal even when I have the clearest mind or the darkest thoughts, it frees up my mind, helps me get the appropriate distance from my own thoughts to truly make sense of them and it also helps me appreciate and be grateful for what I have already accomplished.
When I’m proud of myself, no matter how small the win, I celebrate! I buggy dance, laugh out loud or whatever way of acting it out comes first to mind. I find it extremely important to let out good emotions just as much as it is important to not push down the bad ones.
I label the emotions that come up. I give them names and describe them to myself. Then, I usually get curious about why they’re arising. It usually leads me to understand my own beliefs about what is going on and point out to some misconceptions I may want to change.
I’m practicing a conscious form of ignorance: I only expose myself to the things that inspire me, teach me a skill I wish to have or empower me. It’s been years since I haven’t binged on stupid youtube videos or watched a horror movie. I also unfollowed most people on IG that triggered negative emotions in myself.
I learned to kindly say “No” to the people, things and activities that didn’t make me proud of myself.
I believe in my dreams, no matter how impossible they may seem. If I' won’t believe in myself, who will?
I play. I put on a crown if I want to and I act like a queen. You know that saying, life is too short to take it too seriously.
I take time to pamper myself. To dress up. To look good and feel good. I used to have a very conflicted relationship with my own beauty, because I thought it only attracted shallow people and opportunities — until I realised I was the one being shallow, by hiding my own depth and mind from the world, behind that pretty mask. I used my beauty as a shield. I was too scared to speak up my mind and let myself be vulnerable and emotionally available. To be less than perfect. It had nothing to do with my looks, but the way I was seeing myself. Once I understood that you have to play the cards you are given and celebrate all the opportunities and gifts you have, then things started to clear up and not blame my looks for what I was attracting. I took responsibility of showing the world what I’m about inside, no matter how I look outside. It’s my job to do it, nobody else will do it for me. I now allowed myself to praise my body and enjoy putting on make-up again. I know that I’m pampering myself for the way it makes me feel — precious, feminine, sensual — and that’s okay, because I want these emotions in my daily life and I won’t deny myself the easiest tool that takes me to my desire.
A good way of committing to a new lifestyle is by talking about it publicly, so do me and yourself a favour and leave a comment below with at least 1 thing you set out to do starting today, to be there for yourself.
So, if you want to stop being ignored and start allowing yourself to be seen, by putting your authentic self unapologetically out in the world, take your first step: now.
Also, let me know what part resonated with you the most, so I can write more on the topic in future posts.